Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

The other day my 8-year-old daughter “Riley” was playing in the front yard with her visiting 5-year-old cousin “Eliza” when she got into a fight with our neighbor’s son “Eric,” who is also 8. Riley told me that Eric told Eliza she was going to hell after he learned that she is Jewish (Eric’s parents are fundamentalist Christians; we’ve dealt with his proselytizing before). It made Eliza cry. Riley came to her defense. Eric ended up with a split lip, and his parents are demanding an apology from her, even after I informed them of what their son said to my niece and how it upset her.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t condone what Riley did, but considering that these people are bigots, can we just file this under Eric FAFO?

—Is This One of Those Gray Areas?

Dear Is This One,

I think this is a fine occasion to talk to your 8-year-old about the effectiveness of a devastating comeback versus resorting to physical violence. Surely you don’t want her punching out everyone who says something awful? Especially not these days. (She’d have to beat someone up pretty much every day.) Getting physical should be a last resort—and a response to physical threats (for example, if someone has her in a hammerlock and it’s the only way to get free). Strategize with her on ways to respond to insulting, hurtful, ugly, and/or ignorant remarks. Make sure to drive home the point that violence is never a good thing.

She should apologize to Eric for giving him a split lip. But only after she fully understands that while he was being an asshole, she should have used her words to strike back at him in defense of Eliza. I’m not against her telling him something along the lines of, “I’m sorry I hit you and you ended up with a split lip. But I’m not sorry I defended my cousin, because you said something ugly and stupid to her.” I’m not even against her adding, sweetly, “Really, I think you’re the one who’s likely to go to hell, for being mean and rude. My parents have taught me that that isn’t a very Christian thing to do.” Let him go crying to his mother about that.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the sole parent of an 11-year-old son and I don’t know what to do with him. I don’t want him spending his evenings/weekends playing video games or watching YouTube or TV but he’s at an age where it’s hard to find things to do together. When he was younger, we would play with cars or blocks or play games, but now that he is older, he isn’t as interested in any of those things. The things he is interested in vary from day to day. Some evenings I can get him to put together a puzzle or play a card game or board game with me, but on other evenings, he just wants to do his own thing. He is really into art, but that isn’t something I can actually do with him (I’ve tried but it was more like “parallel play”). We used to go to the park, but he is outgrowing that, even though we’ll still go shoot some hoops or kick a soccer ball back and forth.

I want to spend more time with him but find that by the time I pick him up from school and log off work, I am tired and he is tired and it’s hard to come up with things for us to do together. So we both end up on our own screens in different rooms. With summer approaching, I want to make sure we have activities to bond over, but don’t know what they would be! Even when we go to the pool, the beach, or go on a hike, I feel like I am not connecting enough with him. We chat, sure, but after a while, he just wants to go off and do his own thing. I feel like his childhood is slipping away.

—How Do You Entertain a Tween?

Dear How,

Some bad news: At 11, it is perfectly natural for him to want to go off and do his own thing. This is what’s supposed to happen. But I know how hard that can be on a parent. (I remember! Not to mention that I hear about it all the time from parents of tweens.) It’s a bitter pill to swallow, I get that. But the time for the kind of togetherness you want to make happen—at least in the consistent and hours-long way you’re imagining—is past. (I’d go so far as to say that if he did want to spend all his free time doing puzzles or playing board games with you at this point, there’d be cause for some concern.)

I recognize that it’s not only nostalgia for his younger self that’s driving your anxiety here; you also feel guilty, as if you’re letting him down—because you “should” know how to entertain him, and have the energy at the end of a workday to “play” with him. But he’s reached the age when he doesn’t need to be entertained (at least not all the time!). Parallel play at this stage is not a bad idea. If he’s interested in making art, your job is not to create a work of art together, the way you might have when he was younger; it’s to have on hand all the art supplies he may need and provide a space for him to use them. If he’s into it, hang out with him while he paints or draws or sculpts (etc.). Sure, you could make something too, if that interests you. But you could also read a book or the newspaper, work a crossword puzzle, or just relax and listen to music. For that matter, you could both be reading your own books at two ends of the couch. Parenting an 11-year-old is different from parenting a small child. He’s growing up: You’ll need to get used to that.

That doesn’t mean the two of you can’t still do things together. Go to a movie (an actual movie in a theater, with a giant tub of popcorn between you). Watch a movie on TV. Play a video game together! (Just do not be on your own separate screens—you’re right to be uneasy about that.) Go out for a meal and talk while you eat it. Cook a meal together (how about trying a more complicated recipe than usual and dividing up the tasks?). Also: Be attentive to his need for alone time, and to his need to spend time with friends his own age without your involvement. (I just had a vivid memory—it made me shiver—of taking my daughter and her best friend to the mall when she was this age, and her asking me to walk far enough behind them that people wouldn’t know she was there with her mom. Like I say, it takes adjusting.) When he has friends over, limit your involvement to offering snacks.

And don’t be so hard on yourself. It seems clear that your kid still enjoys spending time with you (that means he likes you and you’re doing just fine in your solo parenting). Don’t push it, though. When he’s had enough of shooting hoops or playing cards with you, back off a bit. There are plenty of things an 11-year-old can do in his downtime, whether they involve you or not. Keep the screentime to a minimum both by keeping him well stocked with materials for interesting, fun, and (gasp) productive things to do and by setting a good example for him of what some of those might be.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m trying to figure out what to do about a mom at my son’s school. She has a son a year older than my son who screamed at him, after school one day, that he could not play with him and his friends. He has been mean to my son before. I asked the mom if I could tell him not to yell at my son, and she said yes. I did, and he didn’t seem to care. I talked to the mom about this and she didn’t care either. I see this as a possible beginning of bullying and don’t want my son to have to endure that (as I did when I was young). So I’ve been avoiding this mom and her kid to the extent possible.

Unfortunately, one of my best friends is good friends with her too and keeps group-texting us. We used to all go places together (movies, the park, the zoo), so it’s a little sad to break up the group. Still, I have no problem cutting her off. What is the best way to do this with the least drama and making sure there is minimal effect on my son and my best friend’s kid?

—Shocked and Sad

Dear Shocked and Sad,

Does your son want to cut off this child? I mean, is he as disturbed as you are by the “meanness” you describe? It’s hard for me to tell if this is behavior that presages bullying—or if it’s just an ordinary conflict between kids on one particularly bad day. Before you do anything, please talk to your son and have a firmer grasp of what’s going on between them. But if you feel it’s necessary to distance yourself from the mom who “doesn’t care” about her son’s behavior toward yours, then I would say that telling your best friend to text you separately about plans for the kids (letting her know—if indeed your son is on board with this—that the son of her “good friend” and yours have had a serious falling out). I wouldn’t get into criticism of the other mom—not if the two of them are close. And not if you want to avoid drama. Keep it light—don’t make a big drama out of it. Leave it at: “For now, it’s better if we keep the playdates separate, OK?” Then, if she keeps group-texting you both (though if she’s one of your best friends, presumably she’d respect your wishes), just leave the group, and text her separately to arrange time for the kids to see each other. Easy as pie.

—Michelle

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